and if this night won't let me rest

I wish I could care as much about my life as I did about theirs. I just, I don't know. I can't even be as involved in my life as I was in theirs. They aren't real. They are a family, in a book, that was on the bargain table at my store. Pure fiction. I imagine if I should ever finish my novel, it would read like that...intense, conflicted, scared...and lost. So completely LOST.

Sometimes it all has to just fall apart. You have to hit rock bottom in order to find any sort of way out, to see any sort of light at the end of the tunnel. It gets to the point where you're not even sure if you want a way out, or if you just want the earth to stop moving. EVERYTHING to just stop, but eventually it unfreezes and everything is the way it was...and "the same" has never done anyone any good.


Still lost. Still so very, very lost.

I've never felt something so strong

I'm sitting here looking at my portfolio. It's staring back with some major intensity. I'm thinking if it could talk it would be extremely pissed at me...for leaving it for so long, for letting it get so dirty. It would definitely have some abandonment issues. Can't say I blame it, I'd be pissed too.

i'm going to be late to work today

and that's alright with me.

I've been horrifically pensive the last couple days. It's just insane. All these possibilities unfolding...i feel like I'm graduating high school again. I have so many potential directions, I don't know which way to go. It's really overwhelming. Even right now, all I want to do is sleep. Maybe it's because I'm still not sleeping through the night, maybe it's because I'm really really sad about my life crashing down...I really don't know. All I do know is that I'm going to be late to work today, because I forgot to get gas yesterday...whoops.

I think I'm going to get ready for work now...sad face.

just remember

the only way to move is forward and the only place to go is up.

look, you're standing alone.

Everything that happens, shapes us. Every event, every choice - every single moment becomes our past almost as quickly as it was our present.

There's this weird point in life where everything changes...all of the sudden you're an adult with responsibilities, with a life partner, with kids. It's all there and it's not going anywhere. You're stuck. Metaphorically standing still while everything continues around you. It's that point where you realize the world, your life, your job...everything will, in some way, continue as if you were never there.


So then you ask yourself...is it worth it? What am I here for? You question all of your choices, all of your thoughts. You question your questions.


And you still never get a straight answer.

baby, it's cool but i knew it was game

Didn't think I would find out?

I did.

Don't worry.

It was

NOTHING

to me either.

the more we take, the less we become.

My store is closing. Sad? Of course. Stressful? Very. Good for me? ABSOFUCKINGLUTELY.

I have given up my friends, my family, my art, my games, my sleep, my life for that store. Was it worth it? Yes and no. I turned a broken store into a profitable business. That takes work. I'm proud of myself. I gave up EVERYTHING to do that. That breaks my heart. I'm sorry.

We all make decisions based on what feels right at the time. We all get presented with opportunities too good to pass up, so we take them. We take that high-paying job and the status that comes with it because, well, it seemed like a good idea at the time.

I never thought I'd lose myself in a job. Of all the things I've done, all the things I've gotten myself into, I NEVER once thought I would lose my identity in a job. A GOOD JOB. But I did. I began to live up to the standards on my business card instead of my own. I turned into this professional young woman that people had to respect and answer to. I had a title, a salary, a store....all at 22. That's mildly impressive. But it's not me. I'm not entirely sure who I am or who I want to be, but I want more out of life than what I had. I don't need to do something just because I'm good at it. [If I lived by that theory I'd be in medical school right now...lol]

I want to finish school, work on my novels, keep up with my blogs, create some masterpieces. I want to live. I want to be free. I want to breathe. I want intensity. I want passion. Life is just too short to spend my time doing something that I'm not sure I want to do.

For all of you that know me well, I don't believe in regrets. Everything I've ever decided to do was exactly what I wanted at one time or another. I LOVED that job - the good, the bad and the ugly - but it was wearing on me. It's too much, and it's a bittersweet ending. I will stick around until the end because 1161 is my baby. I want to shut her doors for the last time, and I'll cry, she's been my everything for so long. I know, deep down, that closing her doors are opening up a world of possibilities for me. And I'm okay with that.

and you lied, straight faced while i cried.

i lied.

i sent it.

i meant it.

he laughed.

everyone did.

you are always everyone's favorite joke.

your indecisive mind games

let everyone know

that it was never

about me.

it was always about you

and the only reason i ever mattered

was solely for what i could

give you.

well i'm pretty sure i've given

all there is left to take

and you did this to us

and i'm DONE.

goodbye.

innocence is brilliant.

true love is a fairy tale
i'm damaged, so how could i know.

you can't take back what you have taken away.

social networking sucks.

FRIEND SUGGESTION:

=fail.

i tried to forgive you, i can't. well maybe i can but i won't. but i still hate you. im glad i didnt see you all summer. im glad you didn't ask about me. and im glad that if you did, i never found out about it.

the first cut is the deepest

so thank you, sooooo very much, for pouring salt in it.












asshole.

how can i decide what's right...

with you clouding up my mind?

i had this fantastic motivation to blog. then i blogged, then i erased it and now i don't know what to say.


so all i will say is this: nothing worth it is ever easy.

[crispy]

i finally painted. i feel free. it's good. it's time for a new chapter.



hello wisconsin cheese.

i didn't know i had it, so it didn't hurt to lose it

Losing your spark is something that you don't necessarily notice. You may feel slightly less enthused, maybe creatively dry. I didn't know I lost it, but it's gone. So beyond gone. I'm sitting here in a pile of art supplies, magazines, and opportunity, and I can't do anything. I have no inspiration, no motivation. I'm scared I may never be me again. I haven't painted since January. I haven't had a reason I suppose. My passion has fizzled. I'm contemplating a walk downtown into some art galleries, but I don't think it'll help. I think it might just make it worse....knowing that I threw my talent down the crapper because I allowed life to completely interfere with who I am.



FAIL.

the worst part?

october of 2004.


that's what did it.

i know the truth now

I took a chance, I took a shot
And you might think i'm bulletproof, but i'm not
You took a swing, I took it hard
And down here from the ground I see who you are

I'm sick and tired of your attitude
I'm feeling like I don't know you
You tell me that you love me then you cut me down
And I need you like a heartbeat
But you know you got a mean streak
Makes me run for cover when you're around
And here's to you and your temper
Yes, I remember what you said last night
And I know that you see what you're doing to me
Tell me why..

You could write a book on how to ruin someone's perfect day
Well I get so confused and frustrated
Forget what i'm trying to say, oh

I'm sick and tired of your reasons
I got no one to believe in
You tell me that you want me, then push me around
And I need you like a heartbeat
But you know you got a mean streak
Makes me run for cover when you're around
Here's to you and your temper
Yes, I remember what you said last night
And I know that you see what you're doing to me
Tell me why..

Why..do you have to make me feel small
So you can feel whole inside
Why..do you have to put down my dreams
So you're the only thing on my mind

I'm sick and tired of your attitude
I'm feeling like I don't know you
You tell me that you want me then cut me down
I'm sick and tired of your reasons
I've got no one to believe in
You ask me for my love then you push me around
Here's to you and your temper
Yes, I remember what you said last night
And I know that you see what you're doing to me
Tell me why
Why, tell me why

I take a step back, let you go
I told you i'm not bulletproof
Now you know

you carry the world, you can't carry your hope

when i'm at the end of myself













everything you are













takes it all out of me.

and i know

you'll never change.


i know the truth now
and i know who you are
and i don't love you anymore.

you better pick it up

before you let it slip away

how am i supposed to dream with all the static in my head?

it covers up the poison that she hides




if i could touch the sound of silence now
you know i would if i knew how


you're speaking without a sound.